Escencial Etiquette

Hey bitches,

don't do this!

It’s lovely to get together with friends and share memories at one’s favorite restaurant. Everyone is laughing, telling stories, and enjoying some great food. All of a sudden, the laughter has faded away. The entire group has become attuned to a series of sounds. They seem to consist of four basic descriptions: smacking, slurping, belching and hacking. Smacking of the lips against smacking of the food, only gets worse when a softer food turns to mush. This sound does diminish over time; however, it’s met by a slurping of a beverage. The type of beverage doesn’t matter, the horrible sound is the same. Almost immediately after the slurping, a loud eruption of belches fills the airwaves. Finally, the sound of hacking takes over the whole room, as if the walls would crack. These offensive sounds are, at first annoying and then they become sickening to one’s appetite. What was once a lovely enjoyable dinner has now become nauseating and repulsive. These sounds seem to have a common point of origin. My dinner guest and I look at each other, eyes wide, then proceed to look toward the source of the sounds.
Obviously, this was a mistake.


This individual, sitting at a near by table, was eating with his mouth open for all to see, causing his lips to smack. He was extending his large food-soiled tongue out to greet every fork-full of food. As he attempted to reach his mouth with the helping of food, he would drop particles back onto his plate. He did not have a napkin in his lap, nor was he sitting upright. He continued to wipe his mouth with his sleeve or the back of his hand. He was sitting squarely on his chair but he was hunched-over the table and his plate. His left arm curved around his plate, as if to guard it. This is always reminiscent of a Neanderthal attempting to protect its food from enemy attack. He only held his fork in his right hand utilizing the tight-fisted, scooping method. His dinning companion quickly attempted to snatch a few French fries from his plate, but was surprised by the low thunderous growls coming from his throat as if gnashing his teeth. As he made this aggressive move towards his companion, we noticed several small food particles flying through the air propelled by his tongue. He slurped and gulped more of his beverage, followed by more belching and hacking. As he smiled at the waiter, he had a massive amount of indistinguishable food stuck between his teeth. Even though, we were all shocked by this horrible spectacle; it was impossible to look away. Not only did this ill-mannered individual ruin the enjoyment of our dinning experience on this occasion, but this type of bad behavior and improper manners tends to happen quite often these days.

As a repulsed individual, I recommend the following.
Love,
Jackie ^_^