The Cotton Ball Diet & Wigger Wednesday

Hey bitches, here's my new poem!

 

My best friend Lauren decided she wanted to drop a few pounds to look totally hot in her new dress and she heard that super-models have been loosing weight by eating cotton balls. Lauren thought she'd try it, as a fashion science-experiment. She told me that the models soak the cotton balls in fruit juice and swallow it.  Ok, so Lauren being the stone-cold bitch that she is, decided to soak a cotton ball in vodka and tried to choke it down. It made her gag, so she took another one and cut it in half, soaked it in vodka (Grey Goose, of course) and she was able to swallow both halves. She said she felt, like totally, full immediately! She said, "Hey dude you should try this." I replied, "Well, let's just wait." Lauren yelled back at me, "Wait for what? Wait for me to die or something; you're such a fucking bitch!" We both laughed.  The next day Lauren swallowed just a half of cotton-ball soaked in vodka and she stated she felt totally full.  So, it seemed the fashion science-experience was working. 

The next day, Lauren said her stomach was hurting and she couldn't go to the bathroom. She decided to drink some citrus-nitrate to help her system start moving. The article online did state the side affects could be "blockage"  OH FUCK, are you kidding me?  That's exactly what Lauren didn't want - a bloated stomach and severe pain.  She didn't get to wear the dress to the party. She said, "Now I know why you wanted me to try this first! You wanted to see what in the hell it would do to me and you're such a bitch, you got to wear my dress to the party and I didn't even get to go. Thanks for nothing Jackie!" We weren't really laughing now, but hey, it was her choice to try that stupid advice of so-called super models.  Needless to say, Lauren was really sick and in abdominal pain for 3 days and it took about a week to feel normal again.  I truly felt bad for Lauren and her pain, but I looked stunning in her new dress at the party!   

Lesson learned here, kiddies - Do Not Try The Cotton Ball Diet!  Do Not Believe The Stupid Stories You Read Online!  Just eat right and exercise. That's what I do to look fabulous, bitches.

P.S. On TMZ, they were talking about some school starting quote "Wigger Wednesday". My mom thought "Wigger Wednesday" meant people wear wigs on Wednesday. I said it was kinda racist, then my mom said "Why? Is it because mostly black chicks wear wigs?" Try explaining wigger to a 50 year old redhead...

Love,
Jackie ^_^